“And he will make his wife rejoice.”

The Torah commands the new husband “and he will make his wife rejoice” for an entire year after the wedding. Some learn that the entire marriage is the process of “and he will make his wife rejoice.” That is, a husband has a Torah positive command “and he will make his wife rejoice” and a Torah negative command that her conjugal and other needs “be not diminished.” Because these two passages are the central commands that define marriage, we need to study them. We begin with “and he will make his wife rejoice.”

The Zohar and Rashi both note that the phrase “and he will make his wife rejoice” commands the husband to do just that, make his wife, not himself, rejoice. The joy of marriage is not a partnership whereby the man and wife have a good time. The man is not to take his wife to a restaurant and order what they both like, but what the wife likes.

This seems very unfair to the husband. He must work and toil to support the wife, and he must make her happy even if he is not happy. Of course, if a husband makes his wife happy, she will surely reciprocate and make him happy, but the whole idea is somewhat strange.

The rabbis tell us that this “happiness” is conjugal happiness. That is, the husband, during the first year of marriage, and even afterwards, must make his wife rejoice with intimacy. The process of intimacy must be one designed to make the wife happy, and not to make both of them happy. Of course, if the wife is happy the husband will surely be happy, but this is not the point. Something very important is indicated by this.

The rabbis considered intimacy a great spiritual level but also a great spiritual danger. On the one hand, the Zohar tells us that the human being achieves its apex in the climax of intimacy. So surely intimacy is a high holiness and very spiritual. On the other hand, intimacy can be the opposite. The man can seek the enormous pleasure involved in intimacy as a goal in of itself. This is the opposite of spirituality.

So the Torah tells us, how do you know if your intimacy is spiritual or selfish? Make your wife rejoice, and it is spiritual. Make yourself rejoice, and it is not.

As a separate subject, and something very, very, important, the rabbis discussed the biological and emotional needs of the male, and how he must satisfy himself with his wife. But this is not the mitzvah of “and he will make his wife rejoice.” This is the man wrestling with his Evil Inclination, which in of itself is basic to the human experience, but it is not the epitome of spirituality as takes place when one makes his wife rejoice.

With this we resolve great contradictions in rabbinical teachings. On the one hand we are told to achieve angelic levels during intimacy, and then we are told “Whatever a man wants to do with his wife, let him do it.” Which one is it?

But the answer is that one must “make his wife rejoice” and not seek his own pleasures, to fulfill the main mitzvah of marriage, which is to make his wife rejoice and not himself. But what of the man’s needs? “All that a man wants to do with his wife” means that he has a genuine need to do it. Let him do it. It is his right, and this is marriage. Even if the wife does not like something he does, she should understand that better she should do it than he should be roaming unsatisfied.

This is critical and crucial. A man must not roam unsatisfied, nor should a woman. All of the laws of modesty are put aside before a genuine need. Eshkol tells us that a certain act is so disgusting that nobody would consider doing it, but yet, he says, if you have to do it…

Just as a man has an obligation to make his wife rejoice in the act of conjugation, the female has an obligation to behave in a way to induce him to be interested. A major Rosh Yeshiva has stated, “There are women who dress well to go into the public, but dress plainly for their husbands. This is wrong. Dress nicely for your husband, and plainly when you go outside.”

In this vein, the Rokeach, a major Torah authority and Kabbalist who lived around the time of Rambam, about 800 years ago, taught that the penitence for adultery was for one to “do with your wife whatever you want.” That is, penitence of fasting and crying won’t do you any good if you don’t deal with the root of the sin, your biological and emotional needs. Thus, if you satisfy yourself with your wife, that is penitence for adultery. And if you don’t satisfy yourself with your wife, you are in danger.

In ancient times people lived in farms and during a normal day or week didn’t see so many people. But city life is something else. We are always seeing people, all kinds of people. And even seeing our neighbors can be a problem, a big problem. But in earlier times at least people dressed decently in public and the culture was against sin. Today, people don’t dress decently and the culture encourages sin. Therefore, now more than ever, it is crucial that people do what they want and need to do at home before they go outside.

Within the Torah community, in between the Torah scrolls and the tsitsis, is a flourishing Yetser Hora. We have homosexuals, child molesters, couples that cannot function properly, and every kind of problem. Intimacy, a proper and satisfying intimacy, is a key to our marriage, our family life, and our spiritual success. But few people know that intimacy is a wonderful and spiritual thing, and few people escape the pall of guilt over enjoying themselves.

Another idea about “and he must make his wife rejoice” is a teaching in the Zohar that the woman must practice intimacy using her Yetser Hora, Evil Inclination. That is, a man may perhaps become so spiritual and angelic that he does not need to satisfy his Yetser Hora, but even such a man must make his wife satisfied with her Yetser Hora. This is the command “and he must make his wife rejoice.” First of all, even one who has great needs must concentrate on making his wife happy, rather than making himself happy. Secondly, one who has no need for the Evil Inclination’s participation must nonetheless arouse his wife through her Yetser Hora.

It may seem strange that the woman on the one hand is so high spiritually that she towers over the husband as his crown and from a higher essence. But yet, she is lower than him and even needs a Yetser Hora in intimacy more than he does. Rabbi Chaim Flagi says that the woman needs intimacy more than the man does.

However, Rabbi Luria teaches that a heavenly thing that comes to this world has great problems. She is in essence very high but when this essence comes into this world she must satisfy her Yetser Hora. The Evil Force attaches itself to very high force that come into the world. The solution is for the husband to raise his wife to joy in intimacy. Then, the Left Force rises to its source, which is heavenly joy, and the evil inclination makes a very high holiness.

The wife, recall, is not so comfortable in this world. She is of a higher essence, and functions here under the dominance of the male, as if he was higher, which he is not. A similar thing is found relating men to angels. The angel, says Rabbi Luria, comes into this world with great difficulty. Just as a human can go underwater for a short time, but must soon come up for air, so an angel cannot stay in this world very long. In fact, there were angels who tarried here and became evil!

The female is similar. She is angelic and very high. But she doesn’t really fit into this world, without a husband. And even her coming into the world is limited because she is mostly in the house. Indeed, the rabbis warned her not to leave the house, except for short periods. A woman in the public street is a woman in danger.

Because the entire existence of the female in this world is subject to disruption from her angelic source and true essence, and must come from the male, the woman needs happiness from the male as well.

We find a similar thing with Abraham, the first Jew. At an old age he circumcised himself, and angels came to him in the guise of travelers. Abraham fed his guests, as he did all guests, with food and drink, but he discussed spiritual matters with them as well. He taught them Torah. This Torah kept the angels strong and well, even in this world. That is why it says that the angels ate and drank. They can’t eat food, so what did they eat? Rashi tells us that they “ate” Torah. This is literal. They “ate” Torah. They had to have sustenance, away from heaven, in a strange dimension. But in the finite dimension of darkness and evil, the angels thrived with the Torah of Abraham. So, truly, they “ate” the Torah of Abraham and it nourished them.

A woman is the same. The husband must nourish her with happiness because this is not her world. Her food, unlike the angels, is not Torah. Indeed, Torah is a lower world than Lioness and comes about only in the dimensions of letters. The woman is rooted in the Name EKYAH, higher than Torah, higher than letters, higher than Father. But she must have joy, because of her very high spirituality, rooted in the root of Justice or the Left force, the highest level. In that high level is joy, the reward of the righteous and the level of Eternal Bliss.

Joy and sadness bring a person higher and lower than Torah and mitsvose, says the Rebbe of Komarno, a great Kabbalist. Joy is the language of the highest worlds, and is the fabric of heaven. Sadness is the opposite. A woman who receives happiness finds nourishment, as this is her (higher) ssence.

Therefore, the rabbis taught that one who makes his wife cry is very greatly punished. The woman’s essence is angelic and joy. To make her cry is a disaster.

A woman is the “left force” that is higher than the “right force” of the male. But when the left force comes into the finite world, the forces of this world attach themselves to it, and the Evil Inclination is activated. Therefore, the husband must enable the woman in this world, and make her rejoice, cognizant of the fact that her sacerdotal level inside of the finite realm is close to the forces of the finite that must be dealt with. The husband, by making his wife rejoice, co-ops the Evil Inclination that connects to the Left Force when it comes into the world. Joy of intimacy and the aroused passions even those of the Evil Inclination turns everything to the good force and produces procreation and high souls.

The Zohar (I:49a) says that “The Good Inclination is for the man alone, but for the wife he arouses the Evil Inclination.” The rabbis wanted men to achieve high levels of purity, and to engage in intimacy essentially to arouse the female, assuming that the husband had no specific need for his own arousal. He must “make his wife rejoice” but not himself. But the female must rejoice. Thus, the man stresses the Good Inclination, Kindness to be concerned for her arousal. But the female begins without Kindness but by taking the Kindness of the Male, as female is taking. Eventually, however, she is aroused to Kindness and Giving.

The aroused female who reciprocates her husband’s kindness is the highest level. She then becomes, not HAY, but the Name of kindness, KALE. This Name precedes the first three letters of the Ineffable Name in Elijah אליהו. The angel Magid of Rabbi Joseph Caro taught him this.

Another idea here is that the rabbis encouraged men to rise above the pleasures of this world, but “a woman who rises above the pleasures of this world confuses the world.” Women are to be happy with their sensual arousals, but men view it somewhat as a challenge.

This may be because the female sensual needs are deeper than those of the male, as Rabbi Chaim Pelagi teaches. The gemora says, “More than a man wants to marry, a woman wants to marry.” This is of course a major reason why the husband must be careful to make his wife happy in intimacy. Even if the  husband wants to achieve purity and be far from sensuality, he must nonetheless make her happy.

The Zohar I:43 in endnotes teaches that the left force has two capacities. In heaven the left force is pleasure and joy without any taste of evil. But in this world, pleasure and joy is connected to impurity. Therefore, in this world, the female or left essence must engage in sensuality connected to impurity, but as she does, she rises to her source, which is “north” or the heavenly left force that has no evil.

The story of Adam and Eve and the snake is the story of Eve who did not rise past the left force in the finite world, as we see the many words about pleasure and desire when she looked at the forbidden fruit. This is another topic we hope to cover here. There we will see that the problem with Eve was a problem, not with her, but with Adam. The husband must raise the wife past the finite pleasure to the heavenly “North” level of the pure left force with his giving and kindness to her during intimacy.

Ramban on Intimacy

The Ramban writes in one place that intimacy is sacred. In another place he writes that it is a disgrace. There is no contradiction, as we explained above. One who fulfills the mitzvah and respects his wife as a sacerdotal vessel attached to the Schechinah and higher dimensions has performed a sacred thing. One who seeks sensuality and sees his wife as a toy is a disgrace. And one who comes to his wife out of biological and emotional necessity, also, has a choice. If he comes with respect for his wife, but what must be done must be done, this is fine. If he comes with no respect for his wife and just worries about his problems, this is not fine.

The Torah commands the husband, “שארה כסותה ועונתה לא יגרע” . The husband must not diminish three things: SHE-ARE, KE-SOOS, and OE-NAW. What these words mean is discussed in the Talmud and other works. In general, commentators interpret them to require of the husband the various obligations a husband has to his wife; to support her with a domicile, food, clothing, and intimacy.

Ramban, however, has a different approach. He says that all three of these words, and all three of these obligations, refer only to intimacy. That is, they are three things associated with intimacy.

One is that a husband must have relations, intercourse. Two is that a husband must be intimate with his wife even without intercourse, sleeping with her without clothes, as this is also a pleasure between man and wife. Three, the man must provide his wife with a special bed, clearly marked out by its valuable covering, that denotes a bed for intimacy. When the woman looks at the bed she has pleasure from the knowledge that in the house, she is special and her bed is established.

Thus, SH-ARE means “bodily contact”. KE-SOOS means clothing, or the covering of the bed. OWN_AH means intercourse.

Because the mitzvah of the above three things is a negative command or a prohibition, it is very serious. Negative commands are more severe than are positive commands. So each time a husband denies his wife her two types of physical intimacy or her bedding, he sins with a prohibitive sin of the Torah, according to Ramban.

The positive command, that he must make his wife rejoice we discussed earlier. Some hold that this refers to intimacy and applies throughout the marriage. Others, such as Yeraim, hold that it applies to anything that makes the wife happy but only for the first twelve months of marriage.

There are discussions whether a new groom may leave the city where his wife is to conduct business or for other reasons, and there are also discussions if the wife may forgive her right to make him stay home with her.

Let us now return to the above teaching of Ramban that SHE-ARE means sleeping without clothes even without intercourse with the wife. That is, certain days of the week are for intercourse, but other times, the husband must satisfy his wife without intercourse with being together with her in bed without clothes.

This is a very important principle, that the obligation of intimacy is not limited to intercourse. Living with a wife means providing her constant satisfactions either direct intercourse, lying with her in bed without clothes at night when they sleep, or speaking to her in an intimate manner.

Tosfose says that the obligation of verbal intimacy in a non-arousing way is a mitsavh even when a wife has her period and is a Nida. Although he may not touch his wife when she is a Nida, he must maintain a certain verbal intimacy that is not arousing.

The gemora says in this vein that a husband must sleep in the same room as his wife even when she is a Nida. One who comes into the house in a way to remove the wife’s privacy, even when she is a Nida, is a sinner.

Thus, the obligation upon the husband to provide intimacy has many facets. When appropriate, there is physical contact. When this is forbidden or impractical, such as during the day when people are around, one must still be sensitive to the needs of his wife.

The great Gaon Reb Chaim Plagi, the Chief Rabbi of Izmir, Turkey, about 150 years ago, taught that the emotional and sexual needs of the wife for intimacy are stronger than the emotional and sexual needs of the husband. He said this regarding a broken marriage where the couple cannot agree on how to divorce. The Rabbinical Court must not allow a broken marriage, because the couple cannot be trusted to remain celibate, and even the woman is in danger. Actually, he says, her needs are greater than those of the man.

We mentioned before about the biological drives of the husband and how he must satisfy them with his wife, lest he be prey to evil. The same is true of the woman, as Rabbi Plagi states. She cannot be alone.

This is surely true in an age when people grow older and older without marrying, or have broken marriages and spend years in court without closure.

Another aspect of this is Rashi’s interpretation of a gemora in Gittin. A man wanted to make sure his wife didn’t run around and he locked her in the house. That woman, says the Talmud, is surely a candidate for adultery.

There is no way to lock people into chastity. Only love and nurture can do that.

We provide here for those able to read the Hebrew the original text of Ramban.  

The Ramban quotes the gemora that forbids a man to have intercourse with his wife when they are wearing clothes. From this we may interpret the mitzvah of SHE-ARE as applying only during intercourse, and as an adjunct to intercourse, that it must be without clothes. However, as we will see, Rashi and the plain interpretation of the gemora in Shabbos, maintain that the mitzvah of SHE-ARE applies even when there is no intercourse. That is, sometimes the husband has intercourse, but even when he does not, he must sleep with his wife all night without clothes. This is how Rashi learns, and it may be the interpretation of the Ramban, but possibly Ramban applies this only to the time of intercourse.

רמב"ן שמות פרק כא

שפט הבנות יעשה לה -  אני אומר כי פירוש שאר בכל מקום בשר הדבק והקרוב לבשרו של האדם, נגזר מלשון שאר, כלומר שאר בשרו, מלבד בשר גופו. כו' ותקרא האשה שאר לבעל, כמו שדרשו (יבמות כב ב) כי אם לשארו, שארו זו אשתו, והוא מן הענין שאמר ודבק באשתו והיו לבשר אחד (בראשית ב כד). והנה שארה קרוב בשרה. וכסותה כסות מטתה, כו' ועונתה הוא עונה שיבא אליה לעת דודים:

כו' נפרש שארה לא יגרע, שלא ימנע ממנו בשרה, כלומר הבשר הראוי לה, והוא בשר הבעל אשר הוא עמה לבשר אחד כו' וכך אמרו חכמים (כתובות מח א) שארה זו קרוב בשר, שלא ינהג בה כמנהג פרסיים שמשמשין מטותיהן בלבושיהן. וזה פירוש נכון, כו' ויהיו המזונות ומלבושי האשה תקנה מדבריהם:

Rashi - SHE-ARE 

We mentioned before the teaching of Ramban about SHE-ARE. A man must be with his wife without clothes. This is rooted in the Talmud whereby refusal to be with the wife during intercourse without clothes is grounds for divorce.

But what about when there is no intercourse?

Each night, says Rashi, except when she is a Nida, the husband must sleep with her without clothes between them. There must be KIRUV BOSOR, touching bodies.

Rashi says this in Shabbos, 13a. There is no way to understand the gemora there unless we accept this. Indeed, I saw nobody who disagrees with Rashi’s interpretation.

The gemora begins with the following: How wonderful it is, says the Talmud, that Jews have become so extreme in their piety! It then goes on to list the source of this. The gemora then asks, “What is the law? May a may sleep with his wife when she is a Nida if they both wear pajamas?”

This is a stunning reversal of direction. You begin by commenting on the extreme piety of the Jews, meaning, that they utterly remove themselves from anything that resembles sin. You then, out of the blue, ask something that is the complete opposite. May a man who may not touch his Nida wife, sleep with her if they both have pajamas?

But Rashi supplies the explanation. Yes, the Jews are fanatic about keeping the Torah, about purity, etc. But is there not a command in the Torah that one must sleep with his wife every night without clothes? This means that intimacy is not restricted to intercourse. Every night, a person has an obligation to satisfy his wife, even when he no longer can perform intercourse, he must perform KIRUV BOSOR, or touching of bodies.

But what if his wife is a NIDA? Tosfose tells us that the obligation of intimacy applies to every wife, even a Nida. Even though touching is forbidden, and even though speech of arousal is forbidden, one must still talk and act with his wife as if she is special and intimate.

What about the obligation of KIRUV BOSOR? True, he cannot touch her, surely without clothes. But if they both wear clothes and sleep together, the husband fulfills his duty of providing a limited intimacy, and indeed, he must do so, even if she is a Nida.

This is the direction of the gemora. Be removed from sin, but, and here is the crucial thing. The only way to be removed from sexual sins is to provide constant intimacy to your wife. This applies even during her Nida period. Even then, the only way to find purity and be saved from sexual sins is by practicing non-arousing intimacy with one’s wife. Therefore, we must have intimacy because it is the key to kedusho, holiness and purity, as long as there is no sin of touching, etc. If, therefore, there is no sin in lying together with one’s Nida wife in one bed and sleeping this way, not only is it permitted to do so, but this way one fulfills his Torah obligation of intimacy. If he does not do it therefore he has violated a negative command of the Torah, a very serious sin!

The gemora discusses this and concludes that one may not sleep with his Nida wife in one bed even if they wear pajamas.

Continuing, the gemora tells us something surprising. A Torah scholar died young. His wife took his Tephilin from rabbi to rabbi and asked, “My pious husband! Why did he die young?”

Nobody answered her.

One day, Elijah the Prophet came to her. She repeated the question, why did my pious husband die young?

Elijah elicited from her that her husband was strict with Nida observance, but in one point was lax. When she was already preparing to go to the Mikvah and counting the days, he would lie next to her, but did not touch her. For this, said Elijah, he deserved to die.

Now, does this make sense? A pious person who never sins comes to his wife and lies next to her when she didn’t yet go to the Mikvah. Why?

But this is part and parcel of the gemora. This young man asked the gemora’s question. May we, indeed, are we obligated to sleep with a Nida wife with pajamas to provide intimacy? If it is forbidden it is forbidden. But if it is permitted, even technically, then, the husband must perform it, and if he does not, he sinned against a Torah prohibition, a very serious sin!

Therefore, the young scholar reasoned that he should fulfill the intimacy, and he did not know the gemora’s conclusion that this is technically a sin and not a mitzvah. Because of this mistake he died.

Nonetheless, the gemora, in its initial discussion and in the final story of the young rabbi only makes sense if we accept Rashi’s statement that a man is obligated every day to be with his wife without clothes as a Torah obligation, of SHE-AIRO.

In the very beginning of the Talmud, in Brochose, the gemora states signs for the beginning of the day;  when night has passed and day begins. The purpose in the gemora is to find out when one may yet recite the Shema prayer of night, and to clarify when one may no longer recite it as it is day.

The Talmud says that for those who are in houses and cannot tell when day has arrived, when husband and wife begin to converse while they are still lying together in bed this is the end of the night.

It is obvious from this that the custom was for married people to sleep together at night. When they woke up and conversed that was day. (In those days there was no electricity and so people rose with the light of day and when it became dark that was the end of the day for most functions. Candles were costly.)

Foreplay

The Shulchan Aruch Code of Laws permits foreplay even when a woman is expecting her period that day. It is obvious that foreplay is permitted, and even a mitzvah. Otherwise, why permit it at such a time?

Radvaz, the senior rabbi of the world in the glory days of Tsefas, 500 years ago, writes this. He says that touching one’s wife when she expects her period is first of all a controversy among the Rishonim, or early authorities. This in of itself should lead us to forbid it, he says. But we take the lenient opinion, and permit foreplay even on the day the woman anticipates her period. Why?

We are lenient, says Radvaz, because we are dealing with the Yetser Hora, the Evil Inclination. If we don’t permit one to have his pleasures with his wife, we fear he will find someone else to sin with. This was said by one who was the reining scholar of Tsefat when Rabbi Luria lived there, and Rabbi Yosef Karo was the official rabbi. Still, Radvaz was the senior rabbi of the world.

Radvaz once got upset at Rabbi Luria and decided to close him down. Elijah the Prophet rushed to the Radvaz and told him not to do it. Such a holy man he was, unafraid of Rabbi Isaac Luria and visited by Elijah the Prophet. And he tells us we must permit foreplay on the day a woman anticipates her period. This is holiness. There is no other.

The pleasures of intimacy are important for the children. Rabbi Yehuda the Chosid (362) tells of an extremely pious person who amazed people with his meticulousness. They asked him, “If you are so pious, do you think of the awe of heaven when you are with your wife?” He replied, “The more desire we have the better the children will be.” Here we see that foreplay and arousal contribute to the spirituality of procreation. Arousal of sexuality arouses mighty holy lights and brings blessing into the world.

Rabbi Yehuda the Chosid tells us also (380) that the Torah permits a man to be with his wife any time he wants in any way he can have pleasure from her, lest he look at another woman. A man should therefore obey what the sages of the Mishneh taught, “A man does with his wife whatever he desires.”

He then says that a Torah scholar may recall the teaching, “If you meet this disgusting fellow (the Evil Inclination) drag him to the study hall.” If so, the scholar may refuse to do with his wife whatever he wants. But this is a mistake, because even a scholar has an Evil Inclination. The gemora even says that a scholar and saint have a greater Evil Inclination by far than plain people. Therefore, the scholar will be judged in heaven for not doing what the sages taught, to do with his wife at any time whatever he wants, because relying on learning can bring him to sin.

The proof of this is the gemora in Kiddushin. There it tells how the great Rabbi Yoseph the Chosid was chosen to guard a Jewish woman who was ransomed. But he seized a ladder that only ten strong men could lift, and ran with it to the opening in the attic, and began running up the ladder. Realizing how helpless he was to control himself, he shouted, “Fire, fire” and everyone rushed to help him. When they saw him in the middle of the ladder, they realized what terrible lust a Torah scholar has, more than other people.

The same gemora in Kiddushin tells how Abeyeh saw a man and woman walking in the woods, alone. He suspected they would come to sin, so he followed them. Finally, they came to a fork in the road, and said a pleasant goodbye. Abayeh was crushed. Had he been alone with the woman, he would have sinned! He was lower than this simple Jew! Abeyeh then  rushed back to the Yeshiva and they told him, “He who is greater has a great Evil Inclination.” Therefore, if a simple Jew must do what he can to take pleasure form his wife any time, surely a Torah scholar must do this. And if he does not do this, he will be judged, for putting himself in danger.

Rav Teaches about Marital Intimacy

The great Gaon Reb Yaacov Kaminetski zt”l told me he wanted a book on marriage that was specific, so we present the following: We want to know the laws of intercourse from its Talmudic sources.

Everything is in the Talmud as it guides our lives in every facet. When the gemora, the latter part of the Talmud, was written, it was heavily influenced by the senior Babylonian scholar, Rav. The Talmud describes his relationship with his wife as “one who is starving.”

It says, “He spoke with her, joked with her, and had relations.” The context is that he spoke to her and joked with her to arouse her, and then had relations with great passion.

If so, this is a guide for all of us. As Rabbi Yehuda HaChosid says, and we quoted it above, the more passion, the better the children will be. In the Talmud first chapter Bovo Basro - One who wants a male child should arouse his wife to happiness in marital relations.

The holiness of marital relations releases mighty forces of holiness and influences the selection of the soul of the child in procreation. Passion is purity.

Here is the Zohar I:55b on marriage:

The creation of heaven and earth was similar to the creation of male and female. People were created to know the higher secrets, because these higher secrets are the divine source of humans. “In a place where male and female are not together G‑d’s Presence does not dwell there.” “Blessings are only found in a place where there is male and female (together). As it is said, ‘And He blessed them and called their name Adam on the day they were created. It does not say ‘and He blessed him’ and it does not say ‘and He called his name Adam,’ because Adam is not Adam unless he has a wife.” (Italics added)

The Zohar I:91b says that the souls of people were male and female before they came into this world. Then G‑d had to reunite them through marriage. Thus, marriage is the spiritual form of the human experience in heaven before the souls came into this world. Anyone who is alone and does not have a mate is thus missing the heavenly form of humans.

Of course, the highest form of unity when the male and female become truly one is during intimacy. This is why passion in intimacy, by bringing the two together, reveals the true heavenly level of people as one unit male and female.

From this higher level of people comes a higher level of child, a superior soul.

The Zohar I:122A says, “The Schechina dwells in a house to be elevated  in it [the Schechina brings blessings but also receives from people the capacity to improve its own essence] only when a man marries and copulates with his wife in order to procreate and to be fruitful. The Schechinah then brings forth souls to enable her to dwell in the house.” That is, the Schechinah gives the parents a child, but this is a gift to the parents. The Schechinah, on the other hand, seeks a domicile for itself, a domicile whereby people will elevate her. The souls of children brought into the world by procreation allow the Schechinah the holiness it needs to stay in the house and achieve there the elevation it needs.

The Zohar I:49b tells us that a man must have a wife to merit the Schechinah. What happens when the man is not home? What does a man do who must travel? The Zohar answers that a man must pray “the prayer of the journey.” It’s purpose is to bring the Schechina along on the journey, so that a man is not alone. But of a man without a wife or without the Schechinah is says, “it is not good for a man to be alone.”

The Zohar says that a man with his wife in the house must fear the Schechinah and not do anything wrong. Surely, on the road, without his wife, the man must fear the Schechinah and do only proper things.

When the man does this, the Schechina stays with him until he returns from his journey. But what happens when he returns home? Should he return to his wife, a human being, or should he put his thoughts into the Schechinah?

The Zohar states that immediately upon returning home the man must turn to his wife and make her happy with intimacy. After all, she caused him the capacity to have the Schechinah during his trip.

Why should the man go to his wife? One reason is that it is a mitzvah to be with her. And when he does a mitzvah, surely one like this, the Schechinah is happy. But there is another reason. Even without the Schechinah, the simple peace and harmony he causes by being with his wife is surely worthwhile.

But what happens if the husband refuses to leave his high spiritual plane and connection with the Schechinah to be with his wife? If so, he is a sinner. Why? He diminishes his connection to the Schechinah that only being with his wife brought him. Therefore a person must be with his wife and the Schechinah is there and brings a proper soul for the child. This is the joy of the wife and the joy of the Schechinah.

Torah scholars are away all week learning Torah. But on Shabbos they come home to fulfill their wives and to merit the Schechinah.

A man whose wife is a Nida merits the Schechinah until his wife is ready and then he must be with her if he wants the Schechinah to remain with him.

The Zohar then says that a man in his house merits the sacerdotal level of his wife that brings the Schechinah to the house. But there are two Schechinahs. (The Schechinah is the HAY in the Ineffable Name, and there are two HAYS.) There is a higher Schechinah called Mother and a lower one called Daughter. When the man is in the house with his wife the higher HAY Schechinah pours blessings into the house. The lower Schechinah connects to the man and is sustained by his good deeds, and joins with him. When the man goes on a trip the lower Schechinah remains in the house and the higher Schechinah goes with him on the road. When he returns, he must turn to his wife who is the source of both Schechinahs, and they will support the husband only in the merit of his being with his wife and making her happy.

It is worthwhile to read this again. Because today many people denigrate intimacy. Indeed, Reb Yaacov was the great expert on marriage. He felt that Haredim have problems with marriage mostly because of mistaken frumkeit, the feeling that learning and dovening are important and being with one’s wife is not.

This is why Reb Yaacov told me to write a book with details. He felt that the survival of Torah families depended upon it.

But at this point, we must take note that, as Reb Yaacov complained, people don’t always think in these terms. Those who seek high spirituality in the Haredi community often see their wives as contradictions to Torah and holiness. What a mistake. But why is there such a problem? We hope to discuss this later. But for now, let us turn to the need to speak to the wife before relations.

Foreplay: Rav Chisdo

The Komarno Rebbe, one of the greatest Kabbalists, tells us that the Baal Shem Tov never reached his true potential. It seems that the Baal Shem Tov’s father was a great saint who was capable of bringing down a mighty soul of the Baal Shem Tov. His mother, too, was a very lofty soul, one that could merit to have such a son.

But the father, who was an old man, married to an older woman, who conceived almost miraculously, did not draw his wife out during intimacy by talking to her. This damaged the power of the Baal Shem Tov. Everything that the husband does to arouse the wife contributes to the spiritual level of the soul of the child. By not speaking to his wife to arouse her, something was missing in the Baal Shem Tov; he could have been even greater.

The Zohar I:49b tells us the importance of speaking to the wife during intimacy. We learn this from Adam and Eve. Adam said to Eve “This time she is a bone from my bones and flesh from my flesh. To this shall be called a woman.” These endearing words aroused Eve. The Zohar defines the process of endearing words as achieving the following steps in intimacy.

1)                   “to draw friendship with her.” This means, that the man must talk to draw a warm feeling. At this stage the man and woman are separate, so he talks to her and creates a warm and friendly disposition, but she is very much in her own world. He is thus “with her” and she stays apart from him, despite the warm feeling enveloping her.

2)                   “and he draws her to his will” – Here the woman is being drawn by his endearing words to his will, negating herself to him.

3)                   “to arouse love with her” – First the woman hears endearing words and she is separate from the husband and enjoys them. Then he draws her to his will, meaning that she becomes one with him, and she negates herself to him. Next, the woman finds herself actualized by the negation and enters a level of love whereby she is “with” her husband and not negated.

4)                   Love, says Rabbi Isaac Luria, is different than awe. In awe we are afraid, but in love, we are bold. Thus, when the friendship becomes love, the woman is emboldened and is separate from the husband, as she comes into her true self-actualization.

5)                   The Zohar then quotes the words of Adam and other passage to show that the husband must praise his wife that she is unique and special and that nobody is like her. We will find that this is not mere flattery but crucial to the process of intimacy. It was precisely this that failed when Adam and Eve were coming together in the Garden of Eden, according to the Zohar. We will study this later.

6)                   The Zohar then quotes the passage “therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh. All of this, says the Zohar, is to draw her with love and to cleave to her. The Zohar then makes a shocking detour and says that once the woman tasted of the pleasures of intimacy she turned to the snake. This is incredible and reverses the entire direction of the previous teachings. We will study this later.

Rav Chisdo 

The gemora in Shabbos tells how Rav Chisdo prepared his daughters for the wedding. He gave them what is known today as a “kalo shmuz” or a talk to the bride. Of course, there is also a “choson shmuz” a talk to the groom. These are talks about intimacy.

The Orthodox community, of course, assumes that the groom and the bride know nothing about marriage. Therefore, one must know how to present the ideas. Rav Chisdo got right to the point, but he spoke in analogy, but in analogy that the daughters understood.

The gemora says that we should teach our tongues to speak pleasant and sweet words, and not to utter words that are not pleasant. The exception is if we confuse our students or listeners by using the pleasant and sweet words. Then we may prepare our lesson or statement with unpleasant words to get to the point. But when possible, we use analogies. Of course, the Torah is filled with unpleasant words, but yet we still consider it proper and preferable to use pleasant and sweet words. The Talmud is filled with unpleasant words, but they clarify the issue and thus get to the point without letting the lesson get lost.

Rav Chisdo told his daughters that their grooms would have great drives and would be in a rush. No! Don’t let them rush. That was the lesson. You are in charge.

Rav Chisdo then enumerated the proper order of foreplay before intimacy. He warned his daughters that the man, in his heat, may rush to conclude his act without proper foreplay. Therefore, the woman must not allow this. She must insist on getting the proper foreplay.

So, in the spirit of Rav Chisdo, we will enumerate here the procedure of intimacy. We already studied the importance of the husband speaking to the wife endearing words and arousing her verbally. By this time great emotions are unleashed. The man is tempted to rush, but the wife must prevent this. There are reasons for this.

One, the wife deserves the sensuality of foreplay. If the husband rushes, he violates the mitzvah of “and he shall make his wife rejoice.” Indeed, we explained that the husband must make his wife rejoice, not himself. When the husband is exploding and wants to finish, he must slow down and make his wife happy. She doesn’t like to explode. She likes foreplay.

Here we see, in the teaching of Rav Chisdo, a great difference between the needs of the man and the needs of the woman. The man is driven by a powerful drive to ejaculate. This drive is so powerful that some men have premature ejaculation and have a problem with foreplay. We will discuss this and what to do about it. But for now, we want to notice the different between the male and the female in their needs in intimacy. The male rushes to conclude and the female wants more foreplay.

Male is a linear dimension. He goes from here to there. When he is able to get to “there” quickly, he takes a shortcut. The female is a circular dimension. She savors the process, not the end of the line. The male must solve his problem but the wife can accept it and even relish talking about it without solving it, because the circle accepts life as it is and has no need to solve it. Of course, the male does want foreplay and can savor life, and the wife wants to solve problems, but on a deep level, the circle and linear essences create deep differences between male and female. These have become famous through the work Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. This shows how strikingly different men and women are.

By allowing the woman to have her process, savoring the foreplay and not rushing, the man arouses the woman higher and higher into the joy of the mitzvah. From this, as we mentioned, he releases great and heavenly lights and arouses the Schechinah. Because all of the human body is connected to the Torah, which also has 613 sections as the body does. And what happens in our bodies is connected to the higher realms. When we speak with our mouth in this world, it arouses the “mouth” in the higher world, and if we speak good words, we release blessings. If we speak other words, we get other things, heaven forefend.

The same is true for intimacy. The process of foreplay is crucial for the very high lights that produce procreation. The Book of Song of Songs is the highest level ever revealed, as Rabbi Akiva taught. It seizes the parable of intimacy to express the highest secrets ever revealed. In intimacy, in foreplay, in speaking before foreplay, in copulation, and in the ending of copulation, great lights are revealed, depending on the love of the parents.

Indeed, the gemora says that a soul conceived with anger and bitterness, with a forced intimacy, is damaged. A soul conceived in happiness and full knowledge that HaShem wants this high level and indeed that intimacy is the highest level of humanity merits a high soul for the child.

During foreplay, of course, passion is released, and this passion, as we mentioned before from Rebbe Yehuda the Chosid, achieves a lofty soul for the child. But this passion is holy only when the participants recognize that in their passion the Schechinah stands over them ready to reward their efforts with great lights. Sometimes they merit the soul of a child. But even when no child is born to them, the heavens shower blessings upon the couple for their passionate but proper intimacy. A proper intimacy is when the couple recognize that they perform this as a mitzvah, as a way of strengthening the Schechinah, and as the highest spiritual effort. One who denigrates intimacy by thinking only of physical pleasure, with no proper thoughts, has plunged the process into another sphere.

This does not mean that during foreplay and intimacy the couple begins to say Tehilim. This, says Rabbi Yehuda the Chosid, will cool the passion that is the key to the mitzvah. But before the process began, and even in the background during the passion, the couple knows that what they do is the highest spirituality. This is what is expected of them.

In the Siddur of the Ari z”l written by Rabbi Yaacov Kopel, he adjures the parents to have proper thoughts, that is, as we explained, not to do this out of a search for sensuality, but passion co-exists with the cognizance that the Schechinah is there and has great joy from the mitzvah.

Rabbi Kopel (Mitsvas Pru Urvu) says that the soul of the child is greatly influenced by the thoughts of the father and mother, especially by the thoughts of the mother. If her thoughts are of love and respect for her mighty role before the Schechinah, she armors the soul of her child with great holiness. But if she ignores her high role and she ignores the Schechinah and she ignores the mitzvah and only thinks of her pleasures, she has failed, and the child, heaven forefend, may fail. Rabbi Kopel writes that the mother, more than the father, influences the outcome of the child. The woman, not the husband, is close to the Schechinah, and the Schechinah gives out the soul.

The order of intimacy we have covered is speaking, and then foreplay. Foreplay is mentioned in Shir HaShirim, and is a mighty and holy thing. “He will kiss me from the kisses of his mouth.” This analogy refers to the love of G‑d and Israel, but if it uses such a thing as an analogy, this makes the analogy holy.

The Shelo quotes the Talmud that Elijah the Prophet once came to Rebbe, the Prince and cured a pain in his tooth. Elijah appeared in the guise of Rabbi Chiyah. Rebbe the Prince then greatly honored Rabbi Chiyah. If Elijah the Prophet can come in such a guise, then the guise must be holy. Thus, if the teachings of the love of G‑d for Israel is explained in the analogy of foreplay, then foreplay is holy.

“He will dwell between my breasts.” Foreplay involves the squeezing of the female body. This is important Cabalistically.

On Shabbos, the day of joy for the Schechinah, we sing the songs written by Rabbi Isaac Luria. One is ASKINU. A stanza there goes, “Right and left, and between them the bride, [this is a statement from the Zohar I believe I:49b that the woman is between the Good and Evil Inclination, and in intimacy is aroused to utilize the Evil Inclination but to bring it to Goodness, the female level of North where all passions are pure.] …

“Her husband will hug her and in her vaginal area he does what pleases her. He squeezes and presses.” Here the husband performs foreplay with the breasts, then the vaginal area, and in all of this, he squeezes and presses. All of this is intensely pleasurable, and the pleasure and passion reveal great spiritual lights. But these are the mitzvah that causes joy to the wife and to the Schechinah. Because Shabbos is the Day of the Schechinah, it is a special mitzvah to have relations on Shabbos.

Torah scholars were accustomed to have intimacy on Shabbos. But when the wife needed more, even the Talmid Chochom did even in the week.

As we mentioned before, foreplay is permitted even when the woman anticipates her period. Surely other times it is permitted, even if there is no intercourse.

No guilt should be associated with fulfilling the basic needs and the mitzvah of ONO. The wife must control the process to maximize her pleasure, because intimacy is her time, and the husband must service her needs.

The husband, besides being obligated to satisfy his wife, has a right to ask from her what he needs to satisfy his drives. And the wife is obligated to provide him, even if she doesn’t particularly like it. Sexual drives are so strong that anything unsatisfied is a time bomb. Therefore, the spouses must satisfy each other’s needs.

The Schechina Appears to the Cabalists

Five hundred years ago began the modern Cabala movement. For the first time in history, Cabala was openly taught, albeit to the appropriate rabbis. For centuries prior to this, Cabala was very concealed.

One of the great moments in this new movement was when the Schechina appeared to a group of rabbis including Rabbi Shlomo Alkavatz and told them to leave their homes and go to Israel. From this came the group of Cabalists in Tsefas, where Rabbi Moshe Karduvero and Rabbi Isaac Luria introduced with their teachings and books the era of revealed Cabala.

The Schechina appeared to Rabbi Alkavatz, and then, an angel appeared to Rabbi Joseph Caro. The experiences of the two resulted in a book called Magid Maishorim.

The new Cabala era was launched by the Schechina in its talk to Rabbi Alkavatz, by Elijah the Prophet teaching Rabbi Luria, and by an angel who mentored Rabbi Caro.

Because such rabbis who deal with a revealed angel, Elijah the Prophet or even the Schechina had to have a high level of purity, they established strict standards.

Some of the practices they established were, never to speak idle words, never to become angry, never to make jokes, to go forty days without eating meat and only a small portion of meat is eaten on Shabbos, and not to enjoy eating and marital relations. One should wish they didn’t have to eat and satisfy their physical needs such as intimacy. From this we can assume that intimacy was done very quickly. But that would be a mistake.

Indeed, in the same “Warning, strictures and fences” we find, number 10: “If you have to have relations to procreate then after half an hour when you finish the relations get up from her and go to your own bed.” We see that even these extreme saints who spoke with angels and Elijah the Prophet, and heard from the Schechinah, practiced intimacy for half an hour! This is  much different than what some demand that the  husband puts on tsitsis and “hurry up” because we demonize intimacy. You can demonize physical pleasures, but this has nothing to do with the command “and he shall make his wife rejoice.” An ascetic cannot ignore his wife’s emotional and biological needs. If he does, he sins with a negative command of the Torah.

Takonas Ezra (Ezra's Enactment)

Ezra the Scribe was one of the very greatest Jewish leaders and rabbis. A prophet and High Priest, he led the Jews back to Israel roughly 2,500 years ago and founded the Second Temple Era. His story is part of the bible, the Book of Ezra. The Talmud says in tractate Brochose 3a that G-d wanted the Era of Ezra to manifest mighty miracles, such as were seen in the generation of Moshe (Moses). However, people sinned and were not worthy of such open miracles.  Therefore, the Temple was built and the Jews gathered to Israel, but only with the permission of the Persian government, and much difficulty. Furthermore, the Second Temple was a shadow of the First Temple, and prophecy ceased, as well as the biblical era.
          What sin did people do to lose the opportunity offered them by Ezra? The Talmud does not bother to mention it, but the Book of Ezra tells us, as does the Zohar. The Jews who returned to Israel with Ezra married foreign or gentile wives. This is shocking when we contemplate for a moment the historical situation of Ezra's generation. The Jews left Israel when the Babylonians destroyed the First Temple around 586 BCE. The prophets told the Jews that the Exile would be only seventy years, although how this was to be calculated was a bit obscure. During the Seventy Years Exile, mighty miracles bolstered the faith of the Jews. These were: Daniel in the lion's den, Daniel revealing the dreams of Nebuchadnezzar, the heavenly hand writing on the wall during Belshatsar's feast, Daniel interpreting the writing as the prophecy of the fall of Babylon, which took place right afterwards, and the miracle of Esther who saved the Jews from Haman, the wicked Persian Prime Minister.

 Threatened with slaughter, the Persian Jews repented and achieved a high spiritual level. The story of Esther took place right before Ezra's coming to Israel. The Jews therefore should have been remote from sin. Why did they marry foreign wives? If they were sinners, why did they not commit other sins?

The answer is that the Jews were not prepared to sin; indeed, they were pious people. Esther had seen to that. Furthermore, the Talmud teaches that the time of Ezra was to be one of mighty miracles, similar to the Exodus from Egypt. The Jews were probably on a very high level, and this could have been a problem. Spirituality does not always bring people to appreciate the need for marital intimacy. At any rate, we see that the men who returned to Israel were not satisfied with modest Jewish women.

Ezra saw the problem, and enacted laws to make Jewish women attractive to their husband. However, he did not want to create an atmosphere removed from spirituality, so he moved in two seemingly opposite directions. On the one hand, he made a law that peddlers must travel around to Jewish homes selling perfume to Jewish women, to make them attractive to their husbands. He thus initiated interest in intimacy, something that could lead the Jews away from spirituality. Therefore, Ezra, to combat this, made what is known as TAKONAS EZRA, the Law of Ezra. A man can be with his wife as much as he wishes, but when he is with her, he must go to the MIKVEH, a ritualarium, or at least wash in a vessel of water.

There is another reason why the Jewish men despised Jewish women and chose gentile ladies in the time of Ezra. The Persians ruled the Jews who returned from exile. The Talmud says that the Persians were fastidious people, and were careful to eat, drink and relate to their wives on a high level. They did not sink down to the level of other nations who ate and drank like gluttons. We know that Alexander the Great died while eating and drinking, and that Romans ate, vomited, and then ate some more. The Persians were not this way.

This affected the Jews living under the Persians. Indeed, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious tells us that the surrounding gentiles influence the Jews. If so, the Persian habits about marriage infected the Jewish people. One of the ideas of the Persians was that one does not sleep with his wife without clothes. The Talmud fought this, saying, "If a spouse says, 'Let us wear clothes,' this is cause for divorce, and is a custom of the Persians." Thus, the Jewish women, influenced by Persian ideas, did not interest their husbands as much as the pagan ladies in Israel, who had no Persian traditions. The Jewish men then rejected their wives and took strange women. As mentioned before, Ezra fought this by decreeing that women wear perfume and make themselves more attractive to their husbands. Ezra feared, however, that Jews might go in the opposite direction, in the way of the Greeks and Romans, and become voluptuaries. He therefore established the law of the MIKVEH or immersing after relations.

TAKONAS EZRA did not say that a man could only be with his wife once or twice or three times a week. A man can be with wife without limit, but each time, he must wash himself. This informs the Jewish attitude towards intimacy. It is the greatest pleasure, and can bring a person into what in the gentile world is a culture of "sex," heaven forefend. On the other hand, one who tastes of this pleasure must not stay there, but rise back to spirituality by washing or bathing in a mikveh or large body of water.

Ezra's law was so that "rabbinical scholars would not be near their wives like chickens." Why then did Ezra not limit intimacy? Ezra was not opposed to intimacy, nor did he limit it. He only did not want "rabbinical scholars to be near their wives as chickens," which is how some cultures behave. Jewish intimacy is done, but a person must then return to spirituality. Do as much as you like, whenever you like, but "not like a chicken." One who realizes the intent of Ezra limits himself in time and energy to what he needs to refrain from sin and what his wife and he need. He does not make a cult of it.
          As time went on, people could not put up with the problems of finding a body of water, and the rabbis finally declared that the "Law of Ezra" was not binding, although many pious people practice it. Indeed, the original intent of the law was to provide a Torah scholar with an escape from the pull of sensualism.    Thus, eventually, the pious practiced Ezra's Law but not the masses of Jews.

The idea of the "Law of Ezra" is our guide, even without bathing, to what intimacy is to the Jew. We do not behave as "chickens." We accept that intimacy is a spiritual thing. When done in a limited matter, according to people's legitimate needs, it is spiritual. When done as "chickens" it turns people into animals.

Note that Ezra's law was aimed at Torah scholars. He did not want "Torah scholars to be with their wives as chickens." Different people have different standards. Torah scholars have one standard, whereas other people have other standards. Ultimately, the effort of Ezra to require immersion after intimacy failed, and today most authorities do not require it. Even Torah scholars could not take its burden, and therefore the rabbis negated the obligation for everyone. However, its edifying power remained for those who could and would practice it. The idea has remained. Ezra has taught us not to be "chickens." He has also indicated that there are different levels of people, and they have different standards. Torah scholars have a higher standard than others do.

We must understand this. It is crucial for an appreciation of the process of halacha, or Jewish law, and certainly as it applies to marriage. The Shulchan Aruch HaRav, the Code of Laws of the Rabbi, is one of the great classics in halacha, Jewish Law. The "Rabbi" in this case was the rabbi of the new Chassidic movement, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Lithuania. Known by his peers in the Chassidic school of the Preacher from Mezeretz as the "rabbi" for his keen perception of the revealed Law, Reb Shneur Zalman wrote a Code of Laws that has been accepted as a major classic by all Jews. The great halacha classic of modern times, Mishneh Beruro, written by Rabbi Yisroel Mayer Kagan of Radin, Poland, relies heavily upon this work. Rabbi Kagan confers a rare title, "Gaon" (senior eminence) upon Reb Shneur Zalman when he quotes him.

A major goal of the Code of Reb Shneur Zalman was to reconcile the Revealed and Hidden Law as they pertain to halacha, or Jewish law. Unfortunately, he only began this task. His enormous success as a rebbe and Jewish leader encroached upon his time for writing. He had to surrender to realities and limit his scope after the beginning of the Code. However, in the beginning of the Code, we find him reconciling the Revealed and Hidden Law, and the principles stated there are guides for us in other areas, as well.
          The Law in question is about rising in the morning and washing the hands, a procedure known as NEGEL VASSER, or "water for the knuckles" in its literal translation. The water is supposed to cover the knuckles, at least. Here is a great problem. The Talmud lists the order of blessings a person makes upon rising. The person does many things, sits up, walks, dresses, etc., and finally washes the hands and makes a blessing. The Zohar, on the other hand, requires us to wash immediately upon rising. It severely proscribes walking four cubits without washing. The Talmud clearly permits this. What do we do about this obvious contradiction?

In chapter one, paragraph 7 of his Code, Reb Schneur Zalman explains that there are different levels of halacha for different people. Washing one's hands is a sign of cleanliness and holiness. To walk without washing, for a Torah scholar, for a person involved in holiness, is a serious sin. For plain people, it is nothing. Therefore, says Reb Shneur Zalman, the Talmud permits us to walk without washing, and we get dressed and do other things without washing. On the other hand, the Zohar, written for the exceedingly pious and holy people, condemns the person who walks four cubits with dirty hands, as this is a violation of true holiness. Reb Schneur Zalman then writes that anyone who has no water and wakes in the middle of the night must learn Torah because this is the opinion of the Talmud and the Codifiers, even though the Zohar considers him impure and unable to study Torah.

We see two things, both of them central to our understanding of halacha. One, the Zohar was written for elevated people, and such people have a higher standard than others. Two, even higher people who generally follow the stringencies of the Zohar may not violate a clear law in the Talmud. The Zohar says not to learn but one must learn. The same is true about intimacy. One may be stringent and follow various higher practices only if by so doing he does not violate a law of the Revealed Law and Talmud.

There may be many books written for truly elevated people, the saints and the scholars of early generations, about the extreme modesty appropriate for intimacy. These apply to those worthy of this standard, but not for others. Furthermore, even elevated people may not eschew obligations placed upon them by the Talmud and the Codifiers because they saw something in a book for supremely spiritual people.

A young man once came to a senior rabbi of the past generation. He wanted to learn about the laws and customs of getting married. He asked the senior rabbi, a scion of a great Hassidic rabbinic dynasty, about some holy books he had read, telling people to engage in ascetic practices during intimacy. The rabbi replied, "I don't read those books." Whether the rabbi did or not, he did not want everyone to engage in those practices. Each person must know how appropriate any level of asceticism is. Never, however, may one cross the line and do something forbidden by the Talmud and Codifiers, even if he finds it in some book for the supremely pious. Those supremely pious people knew how to satisfy their wives despite their asceticism, but not everyone can. Those supremely pious people had wives who wanted ascetic people, but not every wife wants this. Today, those who attempt asceticism cause grief of the worst suffering and perversion. The worst child molester in the history of America's Jewish community was someone who practiced asceticism. He was not the only problem from that element.

Years ago, I worked in the city, and had to leave New York late, sometimes eight or nine o'clock. I noticed swarms of people going to the movies in Time's Square, and could not help noticing the dress of some of them, who could be my neighbors. A young man who fell between the cracks told me that he was once in that area looking for sin and he found there one of his Yeshiva teachers, who seemed quite experienced at this type of thing. Anyone who thinks that praying, learning and wearing certain clothes drives away the Evil Inclination is badly mistaken.

Tseniyuse (modesty)

Tseinyuse is the foundation of the home. The home is the foundation of the Jewish people, indeed, all people. The Zohar says that Adam and Eve saw their progeny engaged in zenuse illicit relations and did not protest. This led eventually to the evil of the Generation of the Flood and its punishment. How parents control the sanctity of the home is the story of the home, and the future of its children.

Interestingly enough, a non-Jew is not forbidden to have zenuse or relations without marriage. But Adam and Eve surely realized that a world of open zenuse was not what HaShem wanted. Even if zenuse is permitted a Ben Noach, open zenuse is not. Thus, kedusho goes beyond halacha. Public zenuse, even when not forbidden, is the opposite of fearing HaShem, and leads to all evil.

We therefore embrace tseniyuse. When the rabbis of the Talmud saw a woman who had special children, they asked her what the secret was. She replied that she had a very high level of tseinyuse.

I have a picture of my grandmother’s parents. The husband stands with a long flowing beard and a nice black suit. His wife appears with a horrible looking black dress. I once saw a picture of a woman of that generation, a relative of the Chazon Ish. Her dress was a hideous black. The point is, in those days they realized that a woman does not look to be honey for the flies. The only way to minimize problems of this nature is to dress very tseniyusdik. Today, we almost never see a woman dressed in public in a way that would not attract the flies.

A woman, according to the standards of the Talmud, did not leave the house very often. A woman in public is a problem, period. In some countries, as mentioned in the Talmud, women covered their face when they went outside the home. I remember when I was young. My mother and aunts would wear some kind of veil when they dressed up. It wasn’t like the real veils but it was some kind of black mesh that went over the face. Who would wear this today?

A lady asked a Rov, a friend of mind, why she could not go to the bar and have a drink along with her husband at a wedding. The Rav replied, “Today, we don’t have any understanding of basic tseniyuse. We don’t even understand the tseniyuse of early generations, and think their customs are strange.”

Of course, most ladies in the Torah world would not think to do such a thing. However, compare yourself to your mother, and to your grandmother. Do you think the dress you wear in public would equal, in terms of tseniyuse, the dress of your mother or grandmother?

Do you feel that your daughters understand tseniyuse as well as you do?

One reason for the great decline is, as Rabbi Yehuda the Chosid teaches, that Jews follow the ways of their gentile neighbors. Because standards of tseniyuse decline dramatically in the modern world, we are remote from the understanding of tseniyuse our parents and grandparents had.

Some people may feel that the decline of the generation gives them more freedom, more power to be themselves. They perceive tseniyuse as a burden and do not gladly embrace it. Are they right or wrong?

The Benefits of Tseniyuse

Tseniyuse has benefits. What are they? Rav Chisdo, in Talmud Shabbos 140b, tells his daughter before she marries about tseniyuse. He tells her to maintain a high level of dignity around her husband. He warns her how delicate is the fabric and the mystique of a woman to a husband. If the woman does not act her proper part with tseniyuse, the husband loses respect for his wife, and may even despise her.

This does not mean the wife does not smile and laugh with her husband. It does mean that she should watch herself, and insist on her parameter as a “crown of her husband,” a sacerdotal role, according to the Zohar. This is one of the functions of Nida laws. A husband who cannot have everything he wants anytime he wants has another level of respect for his wife, which is the foundation of marriage.

Yes, we put a wife on the pedestal. Those who are not on the pedestal are usually in divorce court. Actually, a woman who does not want a life of tseniyuse may never marry in the first place.

All around us, we see people in the forties, unmarried. Many people, even religious ones, have lost the feeling for a traditional man or woman, revealed only in family. The disaster of so many people unmarried in their thirties is a product, partially, of a generation ruined in its primal gender construct. We have, as a community, forgotten how to be a man or a woman. What is left is not adequate to push a person into the Chupa, and to keep us there.

For this reason I did everything in my power to go backwards in my personal life and with my children, away from progressive and modern Torah communities. I thank HaShem for doing this. My children thank me, also.

The Time and the Place for Tseniyuse

A senior Rosh Yeshiva advised his talmidim, “Tseniyuse is for the public, when the wife goes outside. Inside of the home, however, for the husband, it is different.” Some women dress up to go outside. For their husbands they dress shleppy. This is wrong. It is wrong to go outside without tseniyuse. It is equally wrong to deprive the husband.

A lady once saw her friend all dressed up. “What is the occasion?” she asked. “My husband is coming home from work,” replied her friend. This is proper.

A major problem today is the Torah community ladies who go to the grocery store done up like a holiday. But to their husband, in the house, they are tsenuyim.

The gemora says that a father must buy his unmarried daughter nice clothes so that people will want her for a wife. Surely, after the marriage she must dress nicely for her husband, but only for her husband, and not for the grocery store.

One of the first changes made by the early Christians was to despise marriage and women. The Greeks despised women. Many who followed in the ideals of Plato did as he and his mentor, Socrates did, and became homosexuals, marrying women only to produce heirs. The idea that sexuality is contrary to spirituality is a major force in philosophy and religion, but it has no place in Judaism. The Zohar clearly states that when a man is with his wife is one of the great and holiest moments in life. The gemora says that one without a wife has no Torah, no brocho blessing, no life, no peace, etc. Marriage and marital relations are very holy.

In my work with family problems, I have seen desperately ill people who were taught before marriage that marital intimacy is a lowly thing. Indeed, one must be very careful, when marrying off children, or when selecting a mate, to find out the other side’s ideas about sexuality. Many frum people limit intimacy far beyond what the Talmud and Shulchan Aruch allow. Some elements actually embrace shitas Yoshkeh, that being with one’s wife is a bad thing and must be denigrated.

I have discussed this matter with senior rabbonim. I have seen divorces and people destroyed as a result of mistakes in understanding the Torah opinion on intimacy. One person from a community that is particularly severe about intimacy became very sick and molested 500 children, by police count, but nobody really knows how many people he ruined.

One of the great problems in family law is that few people are familiar with the sources in the Talmud and Shulchan Aruch. Therefore, what people do is say “Daas Torah,” or opinions that have nothing to do with the Talmud, and often defy the Talmud and Zohar.

Some feel that holiness requires people to make their homes into study halls, with the woman in the corner. Nothing could be farther from the Talmud and Zohar. The woman is the mainstay of the house, and the mainstay of the Schechina. The man, when he relates to his wife, merits this level of Schechina, but only through his wife. A man who arouses his wife to marital happiness opens mighty cisterns of holiness from the highest Sefirot or heavenly dimensions. This does not mean that a person must become, heaven forefend, a sensualist. However, the demands of marriage are holiness, not the opposite.

The Holiness of the Wife

The Gaon and Kabbalist Reb Shmuel Taubenfeld zt”l told me what the path was to Shalom Bayis was. He said, “According to Kabbala, the female is higher than the male.” The foundation of Shalom Bayis is the respect the husband has for the wife.

The Zohar teaches that the Matriarchs merited the Schechina in their tents, but not the Patriarchs. Thus, the tent of the Matriarch was a veritable Mishkan, replete with the Schechina. The male merited the Schechina through his relationship with his wife.

The Zohar says that the male had the Schechina in his home because of his wife, but what happens when he leaves his home? The woman was the level of Schechina in the home. In the merit of his relationship with her in the home, the man merited the protection of the real Schechina when he left the home. However, upon returning from his trip, he was to return to the primal level of his wife, not the real Schechina! Thus does the Zohar honor the holiness of the female.

The female, according to the gemora, is the source of blessing, Torah, life and other important things. Therefore, the female is a sacerdotal level. The home and the family, including the husband, find spirituality and holiness through her.

When Avrohom and Soro argued about Yishmael, HaShem told Avrohom, “All that Soro tells you, hearken to her voice.” Rashi tells us, “From here, Soro was greater in prophecy than Avrohom.” In Eitz Chaim, the Kabbala work of the Ar"i z"l, we find that Soro brought Avrohom to his great spiritual level.

The next generation found another argument between the Patriarch and the Matriarch. Isaac favored Esau and Rivko favored Yaacov. HaShem favored Yaacov. What would have happened to the Jewish people, indeed, the world, if Esau had received the blessings for primogeniture from Isaac?

The next generation saw Yaacov reject Leah but Rochel insist that he marry her. Leah was the mother of the major tribes of Israel, including Levi, the tribe of Moshe and Aharon, Yehuda, the tribe of Dovid and Moshiach, and Yissochor, the tribe of Torah experts and heads of Sanhedrin.

There are teachings in Chazal that if Dinah, the daughter of Yaacov, had married Esau, she could have transformed him. This is the power of a highly spiritual woman.

When the Jews went to Egypt and became slaves, the rabbis despaired. The greatest of them, Amrom, the father of Moshe, divorced his wife so as not to have children who would be slaves or worse. Miriam, his little daughter, convinced her father to have faith. She prophesied that he would have a son who would save the Jews. When Moshe was born, Miriam saved him. Of course, the one who really saved him was another woman, Basyo, the daughter of Pharoah.

The women in the Generation of the Desert did not worship the Golden Calf, but the men did. A Medrash says that the men cried at the Report of the Spies and wanted to return to Egypt. There were pious women, however, the Daughters of Tselofchod, who demanded a share in the land and did not want to return to Egypt.

In the early period of the Shoftim, just after the death of Yehoshua, the rabbis neglected the people who became pagans and intermarried. As a result, HaShem punished the Jews with wars and thousands died. Finally, a woman arose, Devora, who brought the Jews back to HaShem. She, as the head of a generation completely devoted to HaShem, was the most succes